niau!!!

i am wondering why am i treated this way by ppl?? why can’t anyone treat me as their friend??? i jz can’t seem 2 express my feelings 2 anyone anymore… hav i lost all my true frens??? do dey hv 2 judge me by my appearance?? even nerds hv their own frens… i hv seen many shows wich i relate to my ownself bt it all nv happened 2 me… i hv become d biggest fraud ever 2 be living in this world!!! i dont even noe hu am i anymore…. i cn be one person in one minute n another in the next!!! y can’t i jz be me??? frens n family hv made me dis way!!! i’m sore!!! i do nt noe where i belong anymore… everyone seems happy where dey are at n i seems to be in d way… guys sees me as their buddy n girls treat me as jz sumone hu’s dere talkin wit dem n both sexes treats me as if i’m d dirtiest person on earth… my mind n heart is jz so ful with bubbling emotions bt its so hard 2 release them… where cn i let dem out??? hu cn i tell all dese to??? i seem 2 hv lost all my best frens… my sis n bro dun even bother bout me… i feel lk an outcast everywhere i go…. i now do nt noe how 2 treat my fam members… i hv put on a happy face 4 everyone 2 c long enuf n i’m vr tired… i do nt wana do this anymore… i hv prayed for guidance bt 2 no avail!!! am i a nuisance in ppl’s lives?? shud i jz disappear??? if i am n i shud disappear den i wud… i noe i’m nt preety my face has pimples n i nt dat girly girl bt y do i hv 2 be treated differently frm any other girls??? ain’t i still a girl???

i haven’t posted any blog in so long as my days r so filled… can’t seem 2 find anytime 2 jz sit down n blog… dis whole week i had 2 presentations dat explains part of my bz days!!! den i had a chem test…  so dis week is lk freeeeeee!!!!! nofin 2 do anymore… n i’ll be goin bk nex weekend… hahahahaha!!!! bloody happy… hv a date already wif a few of my frens… hahah!!! so vr happy… 

i am nw bak 2 square one… my life have taken a drastic turn again to bak where it came frm… i am so tired… i jz can’t take it anymore!!! i am feeling so depressed nw n i jz do nt noe hw 2 express it… i was reli moodless 2day!!! i tried so hard nt 2 cry 2day wen my dad n sis went bk 2 penang…. i reli wanted 2 follow dem… if oni i could!!! i was fighting bak tears so badly dat i cud oni sit dere staring at dem go… den all dis feelings n emotions will fade away in jz mere seconds!!! although i will be bak in penang in 2 weeks time for d weekend bt i still can’t make a decision that will make me happy for the rest of my life!!! i do nt wanna make the wrong one.. i do nt wanna regret in d future!! i am jz so stressed out in utar!!! at least 2day my fren, m. y. was oso emo-ing… so there u go 2 of us emo-ing 2gether!!! i reli do nt wanna study anymore of this science n maths shit… i hv enuf!!! i am nv excited 2 go 2 uni… nt even once.. all were gone with gloom!!! no one understands me at all… NO one!! nt one soul in dis world understand wud i’m goin through nw as i mysel do nt noe hw 2 describe it… i do nt noe hw 2 express it out… dats where all d depression come frm… if oni some one would understand me!!! nt my mom or my dad or my sis, bro understand me… nt even my aunt whom i tell prac everyting 2!!! nt even my frens noe me enuf 2 understand me… 2 noe wuds running through my mind!!! is it 2 cry wrong??? wen i cry ppl laugh at me… i nv get sympathy!!! 2 tell u d truth nw a days i oni cry wen i’m reli depressed oni… i do nt cry wen i’m in pain or wen i gt lost… or wen sumfin bad happen 2 me… i oni cry wen i’m depressed bt ppl do nt understand me!!! dey misunderstand me for being weak… i’m sore i’m weak wen i’m fighting depression… i jz can’t handle it!!! even stacie has her dad everyweek seeing her n having dinner with her everyday… i hv 2 stand eating ALONE… i want sumone 2 understand me… i can’t seem 2 tell anyone my real feelings… cos i noe dat dey hav better tings 2 worry about n to do rather den hearing me… i nearly showed my tantrum in chem prac  2day.. its a gud ting i still hv control over myself…  n my bloody lab patner j is jz a fucking lazy bitch… i hate her so much!!! i felt lk slapping her in d face n telling her 2 shut d fuck up… i reli felt lk killing her!!! reli if she dun control herslf i’m so ganna kill her!!! better watch out j.

a day of terror in niausville…  it started off with me losing sumfin so important that cud cost me a whole life of debts…. den afta dat was settled i went 2 uni and was met wif a normal routinic day till wen i wa walking home… den it took a drastic turn. while i was walkin home alone i was tinking dat how nice it wud be if sumone wud jz offer me ride home as they will all going d same way… den i heard a bike vr close 2 me… in my mind was woah sumone reli stopped… bt den wen i turned around 2 look, the monster was flashing his fuckin dick at me… he was so fondling it and cum was everywhere… so disgusting!!! i nearly vomited… it was so geli-fying… afta he showed me he rode away on his bloody bike… so nice 2 show meh his bloody dick…. his was a very short siao titi.. no shame… i was ablout 2 take my file on the other hand n smack him den sense came 2 me 2 nt do that… den it’ll be more exposed… ewww geli-fying!!! so niau’s eyes r so corrupted liao!!! haiz wud a day… n i tot i wud jz end dere… afat i took a bath i decided 2 go down 2 d pool deck 2 chat wit my mom wen a pakistani guy talked 2 me… he is so blody educated… he has masters in IT man!!! cool huh… den afta dat i felt so sleepy so tot i would jz take a nap!!! n most of my naps last 4 d most 45 mins… bt 2day it was lk 3 hours man… i slept at 5 n gt up at 8… i even had an alarm 2 wake me up bt i went bk 2 sleep… i was dat sleepy n tired!!! n i nearly fell asleep many times durin chem lect jz nw… haha!!! wen we were given a 5 min break i  immediately fell asleep n even had a dream… dats hw fast i slept!!!

so chao 2 da ho,

a once psyco bird…

got up this morn tinking it would be a dull routinic day bt hhaa!! i was wrong… wen i was talking 2 my mom on d phone during my break out of the blue i sat on an emotion rollercoaster… as d ride was getting boring as there weren any ups or downs, the rollercoaster suddenly plunged down at a 90 degree angle at a speed of 1000 km/h…. the plunge down never ended… i couldn see what was ahead of me only darkness!!! i knew i was plunging into an endless ravine when tut tut tut…. d phone went dead!!! woah saved by d stupid useless phone connection!!! haha… i was so on d verge of breaking down man… i could have been bawling in skol man… imagine d embarassment!!! afta a fone call n woah she is lk crying bucket loads!!! den came d reports!!! i completed 2 bloody science report (phy n chem) in lk 5 hours. with calculations n graph!!! woah… amazing feat by me as i’m quite lazy!!! ok understatement of d year i’m nt quite lazy bt i’m vr lazy!!! i was planning nt 2 pass my reports up 2molo as i was getting vr irritated n i do nt noe how 2 complete dem… so i told my frens i do nt wanna complete dem anymore… n woah suddenly help came rushing 2 me n hit me lk a bus!!! n poof i completed dem in 5 hours!!! haha.. haiz!!! den nw the thought of passing up d bloody assignments!!! guess wud i need 2 get a pair of formal wear nw 4 bloody cs presentation… so weird!!! :p haiz will have 2 c an idiotic english tutor again!!! i tink she hates me!!! she jz can’t seem 2 get off my back!!! maybe its jz dat i have better eng den hers!! haha… u noe what??? i have a feeling that wen i talk 2 my frens dey feel irritated… i have been wondering if is it d way i talk or d way i act or it is jz my face!!! haiz if oni i gt d guts 2 ask dem…. nvm i shall be expressed here oni….

what the f***!!!! my life has taken a small lil wee turn.. nt a 360 yet bt soon it will be!!! hahaha!!! most prob it was oni a 10 degree turn… bt it was progression rite?? so anyways let me tell you wud my turn is… actually today i had taken a test… its lk a personality test where it cn determine where i’m strong at. it means it oso determine wich career i fit into la… bt dis is where d dilemma comes in… hahahahaha!!! d test show i’m most suitable being a technician… wud the hell… a technician she told me!!! i was lk WHAT??? i do nt wan anyting 2 do with any more science n maths n u tell me my test reults points me 2 being a technician??? u gotta be kidding me…. woah… so dat was lk too much info 4 me in a few mins!!! den my bloody owner menghilangkan her diri 2 dunno wich country n wouldn let me move out… haiz!!! so much for happiness!!! bt den afta dat dere was some happiness as i BOUGHT my TICKET home to PENANG… yay 4 dat… my dad told me mayb he’ll be comin down 2 kl wit me… double yippie 4 dat!!! haha!!! dat is happiness frm d heart!!! n guess wud i jz surveyed mr ch’ng jz nw n gave him bad reviews hahahah!!! n nt feeling bad at all!!! hhahaha!!! dat is for being such a bad lect!!!!

why do have this feeling everyday??? i am feeling reli tired nw!!! i can’t seem 2 breathe everytime i start thinking about what i want n need in life… a routinic life is bad enough but y shud i go through nt having ppl who understand me??? ppl always have d rong concept n way of tinking bout me… i feel so depressed all the time!!! why can’t i just make a decision dat is rite 4 me??? wud is pulling me bak frm makin any??? i can’t seem to stand this anymore!!! n why do i have this weird feeling that everyone doesn lk me!!! i feel so left out everytime.. i have a vr bad feeling that i am a niusance 2 everyone else… even my best frens!!! i’m so sore 2 ppl hu r reading this… this is just a way for me to express my feelings as there isn’t anywhere else i cn express it!!! for me 2 be telling this 2 anyone would make me vr whiney!!!  *sigh* i am so tired of this!!! wud cn i do? my feelings r lk everywhere nw!!! i can’t even tink straight.. i might be an ugly fat gurl my fens bt i still have feelings…

haiz enough of my stupid depressing feelings 4 d day !!!

chao frm birdy niau!!!